Reflection One: Belonging

This is, I hope, the first of a series of my reflections of the year that has just passed me by, starting with a very personal, very serious one.  And yes, I have referenced this post - new habits die hard.  

Reflection One:  Belonging

Before I start, please let me be clear that I have not been diagnosed with impostor syndrome, and I am not a psychologist,  I am merely reflecting that I have experienced from anxiety expressed in a way that is similar to this phenomenon.  

Impostor syndrome is defined as 'The psychological experience of believing that one's accomplishments came about not through genuine ability, but as a result of having been lucky ...has been labelled the impostor phenomenon' (Clance & Imes, 1978) (from Langford, J. and Clance, P.R., 1993).  This reflects beautifully one of my strongest reoccurring feelings since I found out on March 14th 2018 that I had been accepted onto the Postgraduate Degree in Education at the University of Dundee.   Since that day I have lived with the expectation of an email, phone call or face to face conversation that follows this basic script:

University:  Hello, excuse me, are you Mrs Todd?

Me: Hello, yes I am, can I help you?

University:  Yes, please if you could just gather your things and follow me to my office that would be very helpful... ah yes, thanks.  Come in, take a seat.  I though some privacy might be better for this.

Me: ...

University: Yes, so, it turns out there was a terrible mistake with your admission to the course and we need to ask you to leave.  We're very sorry, and we won't make a fuss of it.  if you could just quietly leave and go back to your old life that would be great.  Thanks.

Me: ... [walks away, dumbfounded but slightly relieved].

Now, obviously this didn't happen, but I am still cautious that it might.  I've finished the course,  I've handed in all of my essays, I've passed all of my placements and essays, I've got a class to teach after the summer, I'm already going to the school to prepare as much as I can... but still, the whispers linger.  

I have spent time reflecting on why this is the case, evidently, and what I keep coming back to is that it has all gone to plan.  I decided to apply, I applied, I got a reference, I attended an interview, I was accepted, I confirmed my place without even thinking, I handed in  my notice, I sorted out funding, I did it.  It all went to plan and it was so easy - yes there were waves and tears along the journey, but the overall plan happened how it should have done and there were no gusts of wind big enough to blow me off course.  That almost never happens to me, the only other thing in my life that has gone so beautifully to plan is my relationship with Mr Todd (more on him in a future reflection), I am not used to plain sailing.  

I also obsessed over comparing myself to others.  I was told before I applied 'it's so competitive, you've really got to stand out to get a place, you've got to have loads of experience and knowledge' and I applied very much with the mindset of 'if I'm not good enough then I'm not good enough, at least I tried' fully expecting to be told I was Not good enough.  There was plenty to pick from: my academic record was not strong enough (I resat a lot of exams during my undergrad course and left before I started my honours so I 'just' have an ordinary degree), or I didn't have enough experience working with children (yes, I did Brownies and Rainbows for years but not recent years, and I volunteered in a school, but not for long), or that my health would hold me back (I have Crohn's disease which in recent years  has been unpredictable), or, or, or, or....or I just wasn't good enough compared to the thousands of people that would apply for a place and not get one.  This just got worse and worse in the first few weeks as I got to know the other members of my cohort, listing to the experiences they had from working in schools, childcare or with children in other capacities, from having kids of their own, of having studied related subjects, even down to others knowing what all of the multiple acronyms stood for!  

Now I look back, I'm not sure how I overcame that feeling of inadequacy, but I obviously did because here I am, still standing beyond the finishing point looking back.  I think I just threw myself into getting as much as I possibly could out of the experience while it lasted.  I put a lot of my interests and hobbies on hold, my social life condensed even further and taking a 'rest day' became impossible - even if I wasn't concisely working on something my mind just kept going - my mind obsessed on the course to keep the mutterings about my inadequacies and imposition a quiet as possible.  After all, it's hard to hear a whisper over a shout.  

Still, however, the whispers linger and now the shouting is over and I have time to think, time to be absent minded and listen to my brain the feeling that I don't belong is as strong as ever.  And that's what it comes down to - that feeling of belonging.  

Back in April 2018 (it feels like it was years ago, not just last year) I went for a session of Reiki and loved it (but then life got in the way and I didn't go back) the lovely, talented lady who lead the session told me that I needed to focus on my sacral chakra. She didn't know that I have Crohn's disease, or that I have medical concerns regarding my reproductive system.  She didn't know that I used to suffer from terrible panic attacks, or that I live with these thoughts of anxiety.  She did know that I was just about to hand in my notice to work and go back to university, she did know that I worked hard at my job (most likely too hard!), but she didn't know me well, it was the first time that we met.  

If you're now thinking something along the lines of 'I though this was a referenced thought out reflection written by a professional and now they are talking about this hocum' and getting ready to close the browser window, then feel free.  Thanks for reading this far, but if you'll give me a chance I will explain my experience and why it matters to me, you never know, maybe you'll learn something.  

It is believed that the sacral chakra is situated in the lower abdomen and is controlled by the colour orange.  It is the chakra of happiness, resourcefulness and confidence.  It is also called Svadhisthana”, which means “your own place”, or 'dwelling place of the true self'.  Imbalance of Svadhisthana is believed to lead to anxiety, stress, panic attacks and can be connected to medical conditions such as bowel disease, diseases of the reproductive system and low energy.  

Any of that sounds familiar?  Now I know that there are ways to read people to 'feed' them what they want to hear, and I am a pretty open book, what you see is what you get and I will talk to anyone.  That being said, there are lots more obvious things that you'd notice about me, or that I'd tell you before you notice that I am chronically anxious, or have Crohn's, and I don't even know how you'd guess that someone has a wonky cervix...  it felt good to have someone 'see' that in me and I took it to heart.  I am not shy of a bit of colour so I fully embraced the colour orange, and I have used a mantra that Fi gifted to me during our session consistently since then.  

I think I have come to accept that I don't need to know why this year has worked out so well for me, or why I was accepted onto the course in the first place.  I just need to focus on quieting the whisper that told me I don't belong here because I do.  I don't believe in God, I don't believe that there is a plan for my life, but I have to believe that there is a reason for my existence or what is the point of being here, using up resources that someone more worthy could be using. 

I belong and I don't need to know why, I just need to make the most of the opportunities available to me when they are presented.  I just need to spend the rest of my life reminding myself that.   

References:

Clance, P.R. and Imes, S.A., 1978. The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 15(3), p.241. 

Langford, J. and Clance, P.R., 1993. The imposter phenomenon: recent research findings regarding dynamics, personality and family patterns and their implications for treatment. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 30(3), p.495.