Strangers Notebook

Open your brain,

And tip its contents into a stranger's notebook,

Hand over your secrets,

And submit them to a panel for interrogation.

Unmask, and hope you're seen 

Authentically, for a change. 

Unpack your childhood,

Ask your parents, think back,

Try to see yourself through this different lense.

Take off all your armour, explain all the wee adjustments

You make to make life manageable,

Be yourself, it's a safe space. 

Then, go back into the world. 

See you in a fortnight!

Redress yourself for battle,

Put back the mask.

And feel, somehow, better-worse.

Better because you've been mentally naked and free, seen and accepted,

Worse because now you know how well defended, how adjusted, you are. 

Defended in heavy burden of armour. 

Adjusted to help you cope, to appear normal.

It's exhausting. 

Mentally.

Physically.

Spirituality.

It's overwhelming. 

The better-worse gets stronger,

And when the overwhelm kicks in, question if it's worth it. 

What will change, having a bit of paper that diagnoses? 

But I've opened my brain,

Poured its contents through a stranger's pen,

The stream of consciousness has become a river,

I'm in too deep to give up now. 

kht July 2023